First Year After Marriage (Some Tips, Painful Truths, and Lessons)

Here’s what I’ve learned in my first year of marriage living abroad — childfree and not working out of home.

Getting married this year, or next?

Or just got married?

Then keep reading, you may find something helpful.

I got married in December last year. It wasn’t on my list (it wasn’t forced marriage either). I had a lot of different plans and wanted to do different things before I committed to the marriage. But it all just happened so suddenly — and no, it wasn’t chatt mangi, patt wiyah wala scene. I had almost a year to plan everything and still, I couldn’t make sense of the timing.

After all, it is such a big change in your life.

You leave behind the place you’ve called home, the people you have lived with since birth, the familiar places you’ve always known, and so many little things that you don’t even consider unless they are far left behind.

So yes, marriage is a big change. And please don’t do it for the sake of just doing it. Do it when you think you can fully commit to it.

It demands a lot of you!

So either you’ve already committed to it, or are planning to start this journey, I am here to share some of the things that have been helpful for me in this transition.

By no means, I intend to scare you from marriage. Where it’s hard as hell, it’s also a beautiful journey that you start with your partner.

So don’t worry. But it’s best to be prepared for everything.

Just keep these things in mind:

(Note: I shifted abroad with my husband after marriage, and I don’t live in a typical joint family system. So I am sharing things that I’ve learned under these circumstances. Some things might be very different for you, or many may be strikingly relatable. Every marriage is different, yet some experiences are universal)

1. You’ll Feel Alone. Get Ready For it

All the glamorous days of marriage will soon pass when practical life hits. Your husband will get busy with work as more responsibilities pile up on him. And you might be alone for most of the hours in a day, and it’s okay.

Be more worried if he doesn’t, by the way.

So what would you do in those hours?

I know our first instinct is to pick up our phone and scroll reels, shorts, and watch series. But for how long?

I’ve been doing it a lot myself. My screen time has skyrocketed in these few months unlike ever!

But keep in mind the more time you spend on scrolling these things mindlessly, the more you’ll feel lonely.

So what should you do?

Honestly, you know what helps? — do nothing.

Sit with yourself. Feel the things you are feeling. Understand what changes are happening, what’s bothering you, what’s helping you, and how are you adjusting to these new changes.

Obviously, you can watch something that you enjoy, or read but don’t get into this mindless scrolling all day. It’ll leave you frustrated, hollow, and restless — which doesn’t help in your relationship.

2. Give Yourself the Grace of Crying at Times

Cry. Mourn. Sob.

It’s okay.

You will miss your family dearly. You will miss your friends. You will miss your home, your previous lifestyle and everything.

Allow yourself to feel the loss of those things. I can say all those filmy things, such as “life doesn’t change if you have the right partner, it’s important to have the understanding,” and all of that philosophy.

But it’s absolutely BS.

Life does change after marriage. That’s the whole point of it.

You’re not single anymore. You have a husband, in-laws, new relationships, you’re at a new place, and above all, you start your own family.

So if you feel that all of these things are not ‘changing’ you, then there is a possibility that you are either being childish or so out of touch with your feelings.

So be glad it’s changing. It’s helping you grow.

3. It’s Okay to Mourn the Version You Were Before Marriage

You’ll not be the same person you were before marriage.

Your approach to life, family, relationships, and partnership will change. Some of your friends (especially if they are single) might not understand this.

You will miss your past self. The version that was probably more careless, outgoing, or a lot different than you feel today.

Understand that life is all about transitions.

My friend today asked me, “Maham, what is life?”

It took me a minute to answer her, but when I thought about it I realized life is:

• a constant transition from one phase to another.
• a mess (but your beautiful mess).

So you’re meant to keep going. Keep changing.

You start your life as a baby, then start walking, get into schooling, then get into college, university, and start your career, then you get married, and start your family, and the cycle repeats for your children. While it starts from the beginning for your children, it’s also always transitioning for you. As life moves forward, you take on new roles; you learn more about life. You make a lot of mistakes, and you also do many things right — but it’s always changing. Evolving. It’s never static.

So life is about learning to embrace those changes.

4. Don’t Fall Into the Trap of ‘Perfect Marriage’

There is no such thing as perfection.

Neither you are perfect, nor will be your husband.

So obviously, your marriage will not be perfect as a consequence.

You’ll find a lot of things unusual or not as per your expectations (especially in the first year of your marriage). There will be a lot of things that you would find “wrong” with your husband, or with your new home, or among your new family, but there will also be multiple blessings you can count on.

Don’t let those “imperfect” things blind you from the blessings you have.

It’s a transition (learning curve) for your husband and in-laws just as it is for you. They are also trying to understand these changes. Give yourself and them some time. You all will make mistakes. But being patient and focusing on good things will help you build a strong foundation for your marriage in these first few years.

And this is what takes me to my next learning,

5. Your In-Laws Are Not Your Parents

Get clear on this from day one. They are not your parents.

There’s nothing bad, or hateful in accepting that.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t respect them. In fact, the literal opposite of it.

They are not your family. They have not given birth to you and brought you up. Your in-laws are not your siblings, there is no unconditional love (especially in the starting).

You are building these relationships. Just as you build a new friendship with someone over time. You never meet someone and start loving them unconditionally or just as your family from the first day. It grows over time, it takes effort, patience, forgiveness, understanding, and courage.

So focus on that. We do this for our family our whole life, so why not do this intentionally to build good relations with your in-laws?

I am no Sharjeena or Safeena in my married life.

(you can tell I have been binge-watching some shows recently. hehe)

And I won’t suggest you to become one.

You can’t have a do-it-all perfect attitude like Sharjeena. You’ll drain yourself.

Neither should you be voiceless and accept everything blindly.

Find the balance to speak where it’s needed, and let go of things that aren’t of much importance.

Understand that these are not relations by blood, but made by love and effort — and it goes for both ways. They will do just as same with you. So it’s okay to let them be themselves, and you be yourself with mutual respect and understanding.

6. You’ll Find a Lot of Things Very, Very Hard

The reality of marriage and the responsibilities that come along with it, especially in our sub-continent region, can be overwhelming.

You’ll find yourself falling, failing, crying, and maybe regretting in some quiet moments. It’s alright. These moments will pass.

Do you remember the first time you cycled?

Maybe you fell.

First day at your school?

Maybe you cried.

First day of university, college?

You felt very scared.

First day at the job?

Everything looked so hard and new.

That’s you in your first few years of marriage.

Have you seen a child that’s learning to walk?

He stumbles, falls, and hurts himself, but slowly by taking weaker steps, he learns how to balance himself. There will be times when he’ll walk straight, and on some days, he’ll fall just as hard as his first day. But he’ll start all over again, and again, and again, until one day he is strong enough to walk all by himself.

That’s you in your new roles.

Remember that when you feel weak.

7. Never Ever Abandon What You Love

While marriage is all about change and transitioning from one role to another, it’s crucial to anchor yourself with a few things from your previous self.

Keep doing what keeps you sane.

It could be any hobby — like writing, reading, sewing, sports, your side hustle, talking with friends, and family, or any other productive activity.

These things will anchor you, and keep you sane, while you are in the mess of figuring things out with all these new changes.

8. Find Yourself (Again)

You’ll be lost for a few months. Loss and big changes do that with a person. So once you settle in your new environment, lifestyle, and family, you’ll feel the need to understand yourself — and that’s when you find yourself (again).

Don’t stop your growth.

Find time for yourself intentionally. You will thank yourself later.

How can you do it?

• Sit with yourself. Listen what your mind is telling you.
• Ask yourself what you want to do with your life now (pick up a paper and pen preferably and write everything down). Don’t be surprised to see that you’ll be saying a lot of things differently. It’s okay. You’ve grown.
• Make a list of goals you want to achieve in the next few months/year.
• Analyze your current resources and figure out a plan to achieve those goals.

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For example, my anchor is writing. It’s what keeps me sane; gives me a sense of myself and I find my little voice comforting.

So,

• I am dedicating a few minutes/hours every day to writing or planning to write something that’s either helpful for my emotional or financial growth in the future.
• I also like reading, so I read the books I either enjoy (like Japanese or Turkish novels) or help me grow (such as non-fiction books).

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These are some things that I’ve learned/realized over time. I will be celebrating our first anniversary in a few months, and I am grateful for all these beautiful months I’ve had with my husband since marriage. I am also very excited to see what things life has in store for both of us.

Thanks for reading, I hope you found some tips helpful. Best of luck for your marriage. May Allah put barakah in your relationships and bring you peace and contentment through them.