Adulthood, Marriage, and Meaning of Life

Picture of 'the moment' from my Nikkah day. 

Once my mother asked me why girls suddenly become more religious after marriage?
I was amazed by her bold statement and thought for a moment. 

"Maybe because they are naive and living in their little world with their unconditionally loving parents, and later the responsibilities make them realize the importance of life, and they find peace in connection with Allah Almighty," I made an assumption.

"You are right," she said in a surprisingly low tone.

I have not always been very close to my parents. Just like every teenager, I used to live 'in my own little world' until university life hit me and made me see the real outside world. 

I had problems making friends and found myself in some weird situations where I couldn't make sense of even myself. But my parents took me under their wings, helped me clear my vision, supported me, and made me strong enough with their trust and love to muster up the courage to continue my journey. 

After that, I realized the importance of parents in one's life. Since then I started sharing my problems, and observations about life, nature, and people around me with my mother. Slowly, it became our thing. 

I took a psychology class in my last years of university which gradually developed my interest in human behaviors and social psychology theories. It was not just limited to books, I started seeing the 'theories' all around me reflected in the people in my life.

I was not always right in my observations, but I entrusted my mother to share her thoughts and whatever disturbed her with me. Then, I shared my take on the situation and guided her to either take a certain required action or ignore it completely. In such moments, I felt our roles reversed and it made me see my mother (and gradually father too) as individuals who are also equally struggling to make sense of this world - be at peace with life, trying to soothe their inner children and go through life day by day.

However, I was still not prepared to become one myself. As adulthood is just too complicated, hard, and just weird. 

We talked about everything, but marriage was the only subject that always repelled me. My sister got married at the age of 19 (not common in our family) and I decided to study further. My parents were always very supportive of my decisions. 

But the fact that I was 'coming of age' to get married was worrying them. Soon after my sister got married, I started getting proposals, and with every added proposal the discussion was heightened even more. 

But I was just not ready for the commitment (more than fear of commitment, I feel, I was scared of the concept of marriage, the fear of losing myself in the marriage and ending up with a man that doesn't see me beyond my physical self).

I am not sure what's this thing about 'seeing beyond the physical self'. Maybe it is because I have seen a majority of desi wives as someone who was not allowed to speak their minds, not turned to for advice, and were only seen as good for household work. I did not want that.

Recently, I got married, and I can understand why girls suddenly become more religious.
I am blessed to have a god-fearing husband who takes care of me and is making every effort to make me feel more comfortable in this new phase of our life, and with in-laws who are very considerate of this change in my life and empathetically allowing me to take my sweet time with everything.

However, on some days, I feel utterly alone. Even by having my family a phone away, the distance of living far far away from them, and the realization breaks me even more that the part of my life where I get to live with them is over - it would never be the same. 

It surely can be better In sha Allah, I am hopeful Allah has the best paths for me. But still, it hits hardest on some days. How I have to be responsible for myself, and a family to take care of. It all feels very very hard at some points. I miss my sisters, baby brother, cousins, friends, and the person I am with them. 

This transition of marriage is indeed beautiful but a great change for every girl.

This makes you realize how you only truly have Allah with you. How only he can listen to you even when you can't describe the depth of your feelings in words. 

Every adult I have turned to to discuss my feelings and struggle with practical life, I have found them as equally struggling children just with many more responsibilities, and burdens to carry. They all are also just trying to go through their respective phases of life. In short, I have for now realized that life is hard. 

I am not sure yet if you are supposed to find peace and be content with it, but this whole concept of transitions in life - from childhood to adulthood - and all the people we meet in between and leave, reflects the temporary nature of this world. 

How we would eventually leave everything behind. For this, the world is nothing but our short stop to meet our creator in the afterlife. 

It helps a bit to think like that. But the emptiness remains. Maybe it will be filled after some days, months, or maybe years. I am not sure. But for now, it's as hurtful as a fresh burn on the skin which you may forget for a while but it's there, the pain may soothe for a while but it comes without warning and kills you with every wave.

P.S. I wrote this in my journal almost 2 months after moving abroad. I was weeping throughout and just wanted to take all these heavy feelings out on paper. I decided to share it here because I've discovered that every girl feels similarly after marriage. At least for the first or two years - which is a long period of time. And I just wanted to put it out with the hope that one day it might help someone feel a little less alone in the depth of these transitory feelings. Also, yes, it does get better. Or you make peace with it, I should say. But bit by bit, although painfully slowly, time heals the wounds. Also, as you move along to discover new phases of this married life and create beautiful memories with your husband, and in-laws, it gets better. So just hold on a little longer, you'll feel better :')