Find the Right Mental Health Balance For Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children | The Whole Brain Child

There’s a wealth of research on mental illness. Especially in the recent few years, the debate and awareness on mental disorders have sparked great attention. 

We all now know the majority of illnesses that can come with age, genetics, accident, or childhood trauma.

There are tons of content on the definition of narcissistic personalities and toxic relationships or toxic people. 

But what we don't hear much about is mental health. The term is used substantially - don't get confused here, but the true concept of health is often overpowered by the debates on the lack of it (mental health awareness month, days, or sessions involve discussions around awareness on psychological disorders and issues like anxiety, depression, etc. But rarely do we discuss what mental health truly looks like and how one can attain it).

In such a plethora of discussions around mental health, Dr. Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's book, The Whole-Brain Child, offers an intriguing perspective. 

They have provided a pioneering idea of mental health - our ability to stay in the river of well-being.

The Whole Brain Child - Book by Dr Daniel J. Seigel, and Dr Tina Payne Bryson

The Whole Brain Child 

The book is divided into 6 chapters and provides 12 strategies to nurture a child's developing mind. Seigel and Bryson have provided practical examples and guides catering to every possible situation or tantrum that may arise with your children as they grow through each phase of life. 

In this blog, we will be exploring some of the interesting key points and strategies they have mentioned in the book. 

But before this, let's understand the structure of our brain a little deeper. 

The Brain’s Dual-Floor System

In the book, Siegel and Bryson illustrate the brain as having two distinct "floors." 

The downstairs brain takes care of practical, everyday functions — logic, survival instincts, and routine tasks. In contrast, the upstairs brain is where creativity, exploration, and playfulness thrive. 

With these two floors, each having unique features and advantages under different situations, they have suggested that the best state of mind includes the integration of both.

According to Siegel, “The brain is a complex, interconnected system, and the integration of these different parts is crucial for mental health.”

However, two types of integrations can happen. 

Horizontal and Vertical Integration

For optimal mental health, balancing these two floors involves two types of integration:

1. Horizontal Integration

Horizontal integration refers to the alignment and cooperation between the brain’s two hemispheres: the left and right sides. 

The left hemisphere is often associated with logical, analytical thinking — handling tasks that involve reasoning, problem-solving, and organization. Whereas, the right hemisphere is linked with emotional processing, creativity, and holistic thinking.

When these two sides work in unison, they create a balanced approach to navigating life’s challenges. 

As we rely on our logical brain to analyze data and make decisions, we also engage our emotional brain to understand and empathize with others. This integration helps us respond to situations with both reason and compassion.

As Bryson puts it, “When the left and right sides of the brain work together, we find more balanced, effective ways to address life’s challenges.”

2. Vertical Integration

According to Siegel, “True mental health requires that we can integrate our higher-order thinking with our more primal instincts, allowing us to navigate complex emotions and situations with resilience.”

Vertical integration involves the interaction between the brain’s higher-order and lower-order functions. The higher brain regions, such as the prefrontal cortex, are responsible for advanced cognitive processes like planning, decision-making, and reflective thinking. These areas allow us to consider long-term consequences and make thoughtful choices.

In contrast, the lower brain regions—such as the brainstem and limbic system—are focused on more immediate, primal functions like survival instincts, emotional responses, and reflexive behaviors. These regions help us react quickly to threats and manage basic emotional states.

Dr. Daniel J. Siegel emphasizes the importance of integrating these functions: “True mental health requires that we can integrate our higher-order thinking with our more primal instincts, allowing us to navigate complex emotions and situations with resilience.” 

When our higher-order thinking and primal instincts work together harmoniously, we achieve a balanced mental state that allows us to handle stress, adapt to changing situations, and maintain emotional stability.

This integration enables us to align our thoughtful, strategic planning with our immediate emotional responses and survival needs. It enhances our resilience, allowing us to approach life’s challenges with both insight and adaptability.

The River of Well-Being

Visualize your mental health as a tranquil river meandering through the countryside. When you’re floating smoothly along in your canoe, you’re in a state of mental well-being. You feel a deep connection with the world around you, clarity in your thoughts, and flexibility to adapt to life’s shifts. This serene flow embodies Siegel’s idea of staying in the river of well-being.

However, the river has two banks - chaos and rigidity.

1. Chaos

Approaching this bank, you might find yourself overwhelmed, disoriented, and caught in a whirlpool of confusion. This is akin to the "chaos zone" where the balance is disrupted, making everyday life feel like a tumultuous struggle.

2. Rigidity

On the opposite bank lies rigidity, marked by an overemphasis on control and an inability to adapt. This is the "rigidity zone," where an excessive need for order and predictability can lead to frustration and stagnation.

How It Can Help You as a Parent? 

Raising emotionally intelligent children requires more than just teaching them about emotions and social skills - it also involves cultivating a balanced mental state ourselves. 

This integration approach helps in understanding children's perspective in a state of heated situations and achieving the right balance. Their insights into brain integration and mental health are crucial for fostering emotional intelligence in children.

The Role of Horizontal Integration in Parenting

Horizontal integration is central to balancing logical and emotional responses. For you as a parent, this means you need to help your child harmonize the left brain’s analytical skills with the right brain’s emotional insights. 

When you integrate these functions effectively, you can respond to your children’s needs with both reason and empathy. For instance, when a child is upset, a parent using horizontal integration might analyze the situation logically to understand what triggered the distress while tuning into the child’s emotional state to provide comfort and validation. 

By modeling this balance, you can teach your children how to navigate their own emotions and interactions with a similar blend of reason and empathy. This approach helps children feel understood and equips them with the tools to handle their emotional and social challenges independently and effectively.

How Vertical Integration Can Help in Emotional Resilience?

Vertical integration involves balancing higher-order thinking with primal instincts. For parents, this means aligning thoughtful, reflective decision-making with instinctive, emotionally driven responses. 

The higher brain functions enable parents to plan, reflect, and make decisions with long-term goals in mind, while the lower brain regions manage immediate emotional responses and survival instincts.

This balance is essential for emotional resilience in parenting. For example, when faced with a stressful situation, you as a parent with strong vertical integration can manage your initial emotional reactions while also considering the long-term impact of your responses on your child’s well-being. 

More than helping your child's behavior, it will help you considerately respond to their actions. By demonstrating this integration, you can help your children learn how to balance their own immediate reactions with thoughtful consideration. 

Children don't do what you preach, they mimic your behaviors. So to make them emotionally strong, first you need to work on yourself and remember to keep your calm in chaotic situations.

Learn to Balance River of Well-Being as a Family

Chaos might look like a household overwhelmed by constant conflict or unpredictable emotional responses, while rigidity might manifest as excessive control and inflexibility. By guiding their family away from these extremes, parents foster a nurturing environment where children feel secure and understood.

In practice, this means being attuned to your family’s emotional climate and making adjustments as needed. It involves recognizing when you or your children are drifting towards chaos or rigidity and gently steering back towards a more balanced, harmonious state. This balance helps children feel more secure, develop better emotional regulation, and build strong, empathetic relationships.

As you strive for this balance, remember that fostering emotional intelligence in children starts with creating a balanced, thoughtful, and empathetic environment at home.

Remember Siegel’s wisdom: 

“Mental health is about how well we stay in the river of well-being, adjusting to the currents without being swept away.” 

Embrace the process of finding balance and let the river of well-being guide you toward a more harmonious and fulfilling life.